


Apsides

by volsung



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family Issues, Gen, Obsession, Pre-Canon, Teen Angst, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 12:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5585065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volsung/pseuds/volsung
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Young Ben Solo becomes obsessed with his grandfather, and no one can talk him out of it.</p>
<p>A series of snippets from Ben Solo's early life, exploring his relationship with his family, and the Force itself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I saw The Force Awakens, three times, and I'm in love with the idea of young Ben Solo being fascinated by his grandfather. I hope we're going to get the actual story of how that happened eventually, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone. I was just going to write something short, but somehow it had a life of its own and became this monstrosity.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> [Edit: January 2017] I wrote this literally days after TFA came out so bear with me - it differs from canon completely!

**apsides** : _n. pl. ap·si·des (-sĭ-dēz′) -_ The point of greatest or least distance  
of the orbit of a celestial body from the center of mass of the system.

 

Ben Solo is four years old when he first becomes curious about the rest of his family.

 

The question comes seemingly out of nowhere. He is playing with toy ships under the watchful gaze of his mother, while she and her brother sit at the table. They have much to discuss, and the sound of Ben’s voice as his ships _zoom_ and explode in his imagination is background noise, until suddenly the boy looks up directly at them.

 

“Why don’t I have a grandma and grandpa?”

 

Luke puts down his tea slowly and shares a look with his sister, unsure how much he is allowed to say, and surprised at how completely unprepared he is for the question. They are in the lounge, at Leia’s new place on Hosnian Prime, and Luke is visiting to keep Leia company. Han is who knows where in the galaxy, out on a job with Chewie.

 

“Mommy?” Little Ben looks up at them from where he’d been playing on the rug.

 

Leia is smiling though, when Luke looks back at her. “My parents died a long time ago, Ben.” She says softly. “They were called Bail and Breha Organa. You remember what I told you about Alderaan, right?”

 

Ben nods smartly. “You lived there before you met da!”

 

“My parents lived on Alderaan too.”

 

“Alderaan exploded,” Ben says. “Before I was born.”

 

Leia smiles sadly. “Yes. A long time before that.” Ben seems to be thinking this through, but he’s still looking at them expectantly. Leia sighs softly. “Your dad didn’t have parents. He never knew what happened to them.”

 

Ben is still staring at them, and Leia gently smoothes his dark hair behind one ear. Luke opens his mouth to say something too, but Leia stops him with a sharp glance.

 

Not now, then. Perhaps Leia is right. It’s too soon.

 

But all this information seems enough for little Ben though, and he is now distracted by the biscuits on Leia’s plate. She hands him one, though not before demanding he stay still enough for a kiss to the top of his head, and sends him back to play with his ships.

.

.

.

.

Luke finds himself alone with his nephew months later, and Ben is even more curious this time.

 

Leia is busy for the weekend, and has tasked Luke with watching Ben. She agreed to let him take Ben out to space on a shuttle, as long as they promised to stay near the atmosphere. At first Ben takes interest in the controls of the ship, asking questions about how Luke is piloting, but he eventually gets bored of it. The sight of space barely even wows him anymore. The kid spends practically half his time on ships, either accompanying Leia somewhere, or, more rarely, with Han on the _Falcon_. Not bad for a five-year-old.

 

They’re sitting in comfortable silence, the beeping of the console and the thrum of the engine second nature to them both.

 

“Uncle Luke?” Ben sits up and turns to him.

 

“Yes, Ben?”

 

“My mommy is your sister, right?”

 

“That’s right.”

 

“But your name is _Skywalker._ ” He points out. Luke looks sideways at his nephew.

 

“And her name is Organa,” Luke says, smiling. “You’re right Ben. That is odd, isn’t it?”

 

“Yes, but…” Ben took a second to think. “Mommy says her parents on Alderaan were her second parents. She says she’s…”

 

“Adopted?” Luke says helpfully. Ben nods, so Luke continues. “I was adopted too, Ben. But Skywalker was my daddy’s name. My real Dad. I was raised by my aunt and uncle.” That wasn’t quite accurate, but Luke thought the actual ancestry might be a bit too complex for Ben to grasp.

 

And evidently, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru weren’t quite whom Ben wanted to ask about. “So who was your daddy, Uncle Luke? Why did you live with your aunt and uncle?”

 

Luke sighs and sits back in the pilot’s chair. He had to tread carefully here. He and Leia had their disagreements when it came to Anakin Skywalker, but they had both agreed to wait until Ben was older to explain the whole story.

 

They thanked the Force for the fact that Ben had not yet, to their knowledge, come across the name _Darth Vader_.

 

The ship was set to auto-pilot, and there wasn’t much traffic around the planet anyway so Luke turns to face his nephew.

 

“My father’s name was Anakin Skywalker, and my mom was called Padmé Naberrie. They were your mommy’s first parents too, but they… our mom died when we were born.”

 

“Why?” Ben frowns up at him.

 

“We don’t know Ben. It was a long, long time ago. You know about the Clone Wars? Our dad was a Jedi in the war.”

 

“He could use the Force!” Ben says excitedly.

 

“That’s right! Like me. And like you, one day.” Ben was already strong with the Force, both he and Leia could feel it. Another thing they disagreed on; when would the time be right for Ben to be trained?

 

“Mommy can use the Force,” Ben says. “But she isn’t a Jedi.”

 

“Yeah, your mommy chose not to be a Jedi.” Luke explains. “It’s complicated.”

 

“So was Anakin Skywalker very powerful?”

 

“He was. Even more powerful than me.”

 

“So why did he die?”

 

Luke smiles with a sigh. “That’s complicated too, Ben. He died to protect us. If he hadn’t protected me, I would be dead. He was very brave.”

 

Ben is staring with his mouth slightly open. He looks in awe, maybe even impressed. Luke grins at him before turning back to the controls.

 

After a moment, Ben speaks again. “I want to be like him. I want to be strong and brave too!”

 

Luke doesn’t know what to say so he stays silent, but there is an uneasy feeling in the back of his mind that he can’t quite shake after that.

.

.

.

.

Some time after, when Luke is visiting Leia next, Ben finds him in the garden with more questions. This time, about the Force.

 

Luke invites him to sit with him as he meditates.

 

“What _do_ you know about the Force, Ben?” He prompts.

 

His young nephew is practically glowing with it as he answers. “Mom says the Force is _everywhere!_ ” He looks around them at the plants. “She told me it’s inside me too. I can feel it.”

 

“And I can feel it too.” Luke tells him. “All living things have a presence in the Force. Jedi, or people trained to use the Force, can feel it in others. Your presence is very warm and bright, Ben. Like a sun.”

 

Ben looks pleased.

 

“However,” Luke goes on, “There is a natural balance in the Force. The Light and the Dark. The Force in itself is not good or bad, but depending on how you use it, it can create, or destroy. Jedi choose to use the Force for good. Do you understand?”

 

“But how can the Force be bad?” Little Ben wonders. He appears shocked at the idea that what he feels within him could be a bad thing.

 

Luke chooses his words carefully. “It’s like anything Ben. It’s about choices. You can choose to be a good person, to help people, to respect the Living Force. But sometimes people make bad choices; they hurt other people, and themselves.” He isn’t sure if Ben really understands what he’s trying to say, but it’s a good start. Besides, he’s still so young, with so much time to learn.

 

“Can you feel me in the Force, Ben?” He says to change the subject. Just so it’s easier, he projects his presence as clearly as possible, waiting…

 

“You’re so warm.” Ben says, astonished. “Like _two_ suns!”

 

Luke laughs.

.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made myself sad.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Han finally makes an appearance! Yay?

Han makes it for Ben’s sixth birthday. Leia has been on his case about it since the incident last year, when he promised he’d be there this time, only to get caught up in other business. Privately, Han thinks _almost getting eaten alive by rancors_ is a good excuse, but that might be just him.

 

He’s here now, and he has to admit, the look on his son’s face when he arrives is well worth it. Ben jumps into his arms with a gleeful shout, and he’s much, _much_ , heavier than Han remembers. This thought weighs on his heart, and he thinks maybe Leia’s right, maybe he should try and be around more, and then he looks up and there she is.

 

She doesn’t look happy, exactly, but she does smile back at him when he shoots her a grin. For now though, his son is clinging to him like he hasn’t seen him in months (he hasn’t), so Han turns his attention to him.

 

“How ya doin’, kiddo? Happy birthday.” He ruffles his hair, and the kid’s face has a warm flush to it when he backs away from the hug. Behind them Chewie has entered, and he woofs a ‘happy name-day’ as well.

 

“Thank you Chewbacca!” Ben rushes to hug the wookiee too, who kneels down to meet him, putting down his crossbow carefully.

 

While the kid’s distracted, Han pulls a small box from the inside pocket of his jacket and hands it to Leia. It’s crudely wrapped in shiny red paper, but Han did his best. She takes it from him and the gift is added to an already generous pile in the lounge. For the next minute they stand there, just looking at each other, and then suddenly they’re kissing and everything else just melts away for a second.

 

Han rests his forehead against hers afterwards, as she mutters, “I’ve missed you.”

 

“Eugh, that’s gross!” Ben’s voice says to their left, and Leia turns to him.

 

“Come here, you little monkey-lizard!” Leia says, laughing, as she grabs Ben. He squeals as she lifts him up.

 

“Where’s Luke?” Han asks, looking around. He wouldn’t put it past the Jedi to have been standing still, unnoticed, since he came in.

 

“Still in the kitchen making lunch, last I saw him.” Leia says, just as Ben exclaims; “Uncle Luke gave me a model X-Wing for my birthday!” He points to the table, where one of the gifts is already unwrapped. It’s still in the box, and it looks like quite the project, necessitating a lot of time and glue. “He says we can build it all together later,” Ben continues.

 

Leia catches Han’s eye then, and he knows what she’s thinking.

 

Han should know better by now not to make promises he doesn’t intend to keep, but still he looks at his son and says, “Sure, Ben. I’ll help too.”

 

The starry-eyed look on Ben’s face almost helps him ignore the twinge of guilt in his gut.

 

Luke greets them in the kitchen, and he and Han share a one-armed hug. Ben runs off, pulling Chewie along by the paw, to the garden where Han can hear the sound of children playing. Seems like his son has made quite a few friends.

 

“Good to see you, Han,” Luke says warmly.

 

“Want something to drink?” Leia asks from the conservator. Han asks for a beer, and her eyebrow twitches, but she says nothing and hands him one. She and Luke move around the kitchen, cooking together with such familiarity, and Han takes a long drink as he watches them.

 

He clears his throat. “So Luke, d’you uh… live here now?” The thought has only now crossed his mind that he doesn’t know where Luke lives.

 

“Kinda?” Luke replies. His eyes dart to Leia for just a second. “I mean I’m all over the place I guess,” he laughs. “I’ve been going around trying to find other Force-sensitives, rebuild the Order.”

 

“Oh! Good for you.”

 

“Yeah. And, well, Leia told me there’d always be a spare room for me here if I need it.”

 

Han takes another drink before he realises he’s expected to answer. “Oh. Well, good. Good.”

 

Leia’s washing dishes rather loudly now, while Luke shuffles awkwardly. “Y’know, Han…”

 

Just then Threepio bursts in, a kid hanging off each arm, and more clinging to his legs. Artoo slides along behind him, emitting beeps and chuckles.

 

“Mistress Leia! I’m afraid I have failed you – I cannot handle this task of _babysitting_.”

 

Biting back a laugh, Leia goes to help, while Chewie comes in to sit at the table. He and Luke fall into a conversation about what the wookiee has been up to recently – he is treated to Chewie’s rather ostentatious versions of his and Han’s adventures – while Han sits and drinks.

 

Ben opens his presents after cake. His interests seem fairly limited to ships and droids, judging by the toys he unwraps. Finally, he gets to Han’s present. “This one’s from your father.” Leia says as she gently rests her fingers on Ben’s shoulder.

 

“Thanks, dad!” Ben says, before he’s even opened it. He makes quick work of the paper, fumbles a bit with the plain cardboard box, but manages to get it open on his own, and out falls…

 

“Wow! A blaster!” Ben picks it up from his lap, studying it. It’s a very old model, vintage even, that Han has had for a long time.

 

“Han.” Leia says curtly. Her face is rather impassive, but her tone of voice sure isn’t. Han nods.

 

“This isn’t a toy, Ben,” he says seriously, and his son looks up at him. “It’s emptied out inside, so it doesn’t work, but it’s still a weapon. You understand?”

 

His son nods, still in awe, and raises it to show his mother.

 

“Very cool, Ben.” She says, even as she stares carefully at Han.

 

She waits until later to confront him.

 

“I can’t say I approve of your gift,” Leia says when she returns from putting Ben to bed. Han is sitting in the kitchen with Luke, and it’s a mess. Half-eaten plates of cake everywhere, and some kid must’ve spilled juice on the table because it’s all sticky where Han rests his elbow. “But you handled it well. As long as he knows it’s not a toy, I suppose…”

 

Han turns to look at her. “I knew maybe you’d think it was inappropriate, but I had a blaster at his age –”

 

“Your situation was different.” Leia interrupts.

 

“Lemme finish. Look, Ben clearly has a good life here. Peaceful. But he’s our son. And he’s related to Luke, too. We’ll protect him, but he’s gonna have enemies.”

 

Leia frowns, “He’s only six years old, Han.”

 

“Better he learn early how to defend himself.” Han stands his ground, looking to Luke for support. His brother-in-law winces, clearly wishing to stay out of this discussion.

 

“I’m not Ben’s father, I don’t know how much my opinion matters.”

 

“Well you’re around him a lot more than I am,” Han says, his voice just a bit more bitter than he’d intended.

 

“And whose fault is _that_?” Leia cuts in. Her mouth is a hard line and with the way her hands are resting on her hips, Han is reminded of a time before all this, a time when they fought near-constantly, and he called her things like _Your Worshipfulness_.

 

Han tenses. “You said it was fine, if you’ll remember! _You said_ it was probably for the best if we didn’t live together all the time.”

 

“I know, Han, I know.” Leia sighs. “I love you, but we get on each other’s nerves a lot. I know. I know you get bored if you go too long without anyone shooting at you. But I guess I thought you’d try harder to be here, if not for me, then at least for Ben. He’s still very young, he still loves you…”

 

“What are you tryin’ to say? I love him too!” Han says angrily.

 

“Then why do you always act like it’s such a burden for you to be around for your son?” Leia snaps, finally losing her temper.

 

“Guys…” Luke says.

 

Han ignores him. “How dare you? Just cause I’ve got other stuff to do, doesn’t make me love him any less!”

 

Leia’s face is inches from his now, and she’s angrier than he’s seen her in a very long time. Months of tension are suddenly being released. “I’ve got _other stuff to do_ too, Han! You think trying to run a new government and raise a child on my own is _easy_?”

 

“Guys!” Luke says urgently, his hands shaking both their shoulders.

 

“ _What?_ ” Han says, but Leia falls silent. He turns to where she’s looking and sees Ben standing there with tears in his eyes. He’s not crying yet, but it looks like it won’t take much more to send him off the edge.

 

Leia rushes forward first. “Oh sweetheart why are you out of bed? Did we wake you?” Han stands to the side while she comforts him. Ben looks up at him, half sad and half confused.

 

“Are you and mommy fighting?”

 

“No,” Han says at once. “No, we’re okay, kiddo.”

 

“We’re sorry for shouting.” Leia says, with her face still in Ben’s messy hair. She plants a kiss on his forehead and wipes his eyes. “Everything’s alright.”

 

She puts a hand on Ben’s head then and closes her eyes. “Shhh…” Immediately Ben looks less likely to burst into tears. Han watches in confusion for several moments as they both sit in silence together and Ben seems to calm down.

 

“Stay out of it, Luke.” Leia suddenly says, and when Han looks round, Luke has also closed his eyes. “Let me do it.” Luke nods, and sits back with his eyes open again, watching his sister carefully.

 

Huh. Must be a Force thing, Han realises. Something he doesn’t understand. Will never understand.

 

“Are you okay, Ben?” Leia asks after a long moment. Ben nods, though he still looks up at Han, unsure. “Go back to bed, now.” Leia gently puts him down.

 

“I want dad to tuck me in.” Ben says, and Han looks at Leia. She forces a smile.

 

“Alright, Ben c’mon.” Han follows his son as he runs up the stairs rather excitedly. It takes a minute for Ben to agree to lie down in bed, as he runs around the room showing his various toys and posters to Han.

 

As Han’s tucking the blankets around him, Ben grins sleepily and asks, “Are you staying?”

 

Han pushes hair out of Ben’s face and smiles back. “Yeah. Yeah, buddy I’ll stay for a while.”

 

“And you and mommy aren’t fighting?”

 

“No.” Han mumbles. “Don’t worry about that. Goodnight, Ben.”

 

He lied. He stays for two days, but on the third night, he gets a call for a job he really can’t ignore. Leia says nothing for a while, just watches him and Chewie pack up their things. They’re about ready to go when she hugs the wookiee, speaking softly. “Take care of yourself, Chewie.”

 

Chewbacca growls back the same, and Leia turns to Han.

 

“You should have said bye to Ben, at least.”

 

Han thinks of the disappointment he’ll see in his son’s eyes if he does that, and shakes his head. “It’ll be worse if I do. Look, I…” He takes her hands and she lets him, while Chewie pretends not to be listening. “I can’t say when I’ll be back. Sorry.”

 

“Just go, Han,” she says wearily.

 

He does.

.

.

.

.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awkward conversations with your son about your father-in-law who tortured you, am I right?

Luke Skywalker’s nephew has certainly inherited a healthy interest for piloting, but he lacks real passion for it. Perhaps it’s all the pressure to succeed though, Luke reflects. Growing up with Han Solo for a father, and an uncle who blew up the _Death Star_ , that’s a lot to live up to.

 

Still, he’s eager to learn, and for weeks now Luke has been teaching him all about piloting – mostly theory, but they have been out on brief excursions together, each in their own X-Wing. For a ten-year old, the kid’s not bad at all.

 

Today they’re out on the _Millennium Falcon_ , Han having decided it’s time for his son to learn to pilot ‘a proper ship’, as he puts it.

 

Ben’s been a passenger on the _Falcon_ countless times now, but for the first time in his life he is sat behind the controls.

 

Leia was a little reluctant to let them take Ben out for so long, but she was quickly outvoted when Han promised they wouldn’t go too fast, Luke promised to accompany them, and Ben whined, “ _But it’s my birthday!”_ even though it was last week.

 

She finally had to let up, though she did throw up her arms and mutter something about there being ‘no seatbelts on that bloody thing.’

 

Leia is overreacting a bit, Luke thinks. They’re not going very far, only to deliver something to another nearby planet. No hyperspace involved.

 

Han is co-piloting and, besides one argument so far when Ben forgot to lift the landing ramp before take-off – _“I was just about to do it, dad, calm down!_ ” – things are going far better than Luke had anticipated. They reach Velusia without any trouble, and Han watches Ben carefully while the boy executes a landing.

 

They touch down somewhat more roughly than usual, but the _Falcon_ is a large and, no matter what Han says, mercurial ship to pilot, and Ben has done amazingly well.

 

“Great landing, Ben!” Luke grips his nephew’s shoulder proudly.

 

“Thanks Uncle Luke,” Ben says with a small smile. He’s still gripping the controls, making sure everything that needs to be turned off, is.

 

“Nice work, kiddo.” Han adds, and Ben hums in response.

 

“I’ll go make the delivery. They’re probably expecting Leia herself, but I’ll explain she was too busy.” Luke is nowhere near as diplomatic as his sister, but he’s sure he’ll manage.

 

“Can I come with you?” Ben asks. He’s already looking through the viewport, where a beach is visible. The ocean is vast and a deep turquoise.

 

Luke aims a glance at Han. “Mm, maybe you should stay here with your dad. It won’t take long, and then we can go have a look around at the beach after?”

 

“Fine.” Ben slumps back into his seat, looking longingly at Luke’s lightsaber, which is clipped to his belt. “Why are you bringing that?”

 

Luke chuckles. “Can’t be too careful.”

.

.

Ben is fiddling with some spare parts in silence, and Han searches for what to say.

 

“Too bad we didn’t bring any swimsuits, huh?”

 

“Yeah.” Ben replies coolly.

 

Han sits in awkward silence for a moment. “Seriously, kid, you did a really great job with the _Falcon_. I know she’s not the easiest to handle.”

 

Ben shrugs. “It was fine. Uncle Luke’s been teaching me to pilot X-Wings. Those are way faster.”

 

“Y’know your Uncle Luke’s been a pilot practically since he was born. You’re lucky to have him as a teacher. Even I was older than you when I really got into piloting ships.”

 

Ben hesitates for a second, then looks up at him. “My grandfather piloted a ship in deep space all alone when he was only nine. He was a great pilot.”

 

“Your grandfather?” Han repeats, concerned. “Who’s been telling you about your grandfather?”

 

“Uncle Luke,” Ben says, and Han knows he shouldn’t be surprised. “Mom too sometimes, but I think she doesn’t like talking about him. She didn’t know him like Uncle Luke did.”

 

“Yeah, and for good reason.” Han says without thinking.

 

Ben looks right at him again, and his eyes are sharp and alert.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

This subject is making Han more than a little uncomfortable, but this is the longest conversation he’s had with his son in months, so he keeps going. “Look, kiddo. I knew your grandfather too. He, uh, let’s just say he wasn’t the nicest guy. He was a bit of a nutcase.”

 

He’s clearly said something wrong, because Ben’s frowning has turned to scowling. “You only say that because you don’t understand the Force.”

 

“No, listen, Ben. I understand the Force just fine. I can’t use it, but I know what it can do, and trust me –”

 

Ben turns away to look out the viewport again and interrupts him. “You don’t know anything about the Force, dad. Uncle Luke says he’s the only one who can teach me because you’re not Force-sensitive, and mom doesn’t wanna be a Jedi.”

 

“Will you stop going on about your uncle for a second, kid, I’m tryin’ to have a serious conversation with you.”

 

“He’s the only one who understands me!” Ben says loudly, turning in his chair to face Han completely. “You and mom are always fighting, and you’re never around, and everyone acts like it’s all okay except for Luke. He understands.”

 

Han doesn’t know what to say to _that_ , because he can’t deny any of it. He and Leia are always torn between loving each other and being at each other’s throats, and it’s clear it’s having an impact on the kid.

 

Maybe Luke really is the only person who can get through to him.

 

They sit in frigid silence for almost a quarter hour before Luke returns, cheerfully suggesting they go for a walk by the ocean side.

 

But Ben isn’t in the mood anymore, and the return trip to Hosnian is much quicker, and much more silent than the ride over.

.

.

.

.

They have a chat, all three of them, once Ben is asleep one night.

 

To the twins’ surprise, it’s Han who requests for them to have a seat, with a serious look on his face. Luke looks simply curious, but Leia has a vaguely suspicious look in her eye.

 

“What’s this about, Han? Did something happen on your trip?”

 

“Don’t worry,” Han says hastily. “We told you everything went fine.”

 

“Yeah, Leia. Your son’s a natural.” Luke adds. They both look at Han again then, waiting for him to start the conversation. He takes a seat facing them, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

 

“Alright look, it’s not a big deal or anythin’, just… On the trip the other day, while you were planetside, I was talking with Ben and he mentioned Vader.” Han speaks, keeping his voice down carefully. He knows Ben’s most likely asleep, but on the off chance he’s not…

 

To his utter surprise, Leia rounds on Luke at once. “Vader!” She says, her own voice not so quiet. “Luke, what –”

 

Luke leans back, both his hands raised protectively in front of him. “Whoa, Leia, I promise I haven’t said anything about Darth Vader. Never even mentioned the name.” He turns to Han. “I’ve been telling him stories about my father because he keeps asking. But he only knows he was Anakin Skywalker.”

 

“Oh.” Han feels sort of foolish for not realising. He always forgets somehow that Vader used to be someone else. “What kind of stories we talkin’ about here, Luke? Like how he cut off your hand? How he _tortured_ me and Leia –”

 

“Han, of course not, for star’s sake!” Leia cuts in, and her eyes flicker to the staircase worriedly. Luke is silent for a moment, but then says; “He’s asleep.”

 

“It’s only normal Ben would be interested in his grandfather,” Luke goes on to say. “He was a war-hero after all. No he _was_ ,” he insists, when he sees Han’s expression. “And a Jedi. He has a right to know.”

 

“That’s all well and good, Luke, but he’s gonna find out eventually. He has history classes at school, for all we know he might’ve heard the name Vader already.”

 

“Han no one in the galaxy outside this room knows that they were the same man.” Leia says. “They’re not teaching him _that_ at school.”

 

“Alright, I can see I can’t win,” Han sighs. “I was just worried, is all. We can’t keep that knowledge from him forever.”

 

“We agree.” Luke nods.

 

But Leia is quick to add; “We should wait until he’s older.”

 

“How much older, though? I mean, what if he finds out some other way? Kid’s not stupid.”

 

“I thought the whole point of this conversation was that you _didn’t_ want him to know!” Leia exclaims.

 

“Okay, maybe, but I mean if he’s gonna find out anyway I’d rather he find out from us y’know!”

 

“Find out what?” Comes a small voice from the doorway, and they all turn in unison to find a sleepy-looking Ben Solo looking at them curiously.

 

“Ben! It’s late, go back to bed.” Han says, but it’s a half-hearted attempt.

 

“I thought you said he was asleep,” Leia tells Luke reproachfully.

 

To that, Ben has an answer; “I know when you’re using the Force on me, Uncle Luke.” He’s grinning cheekily. “What were you talking about?”

 

“It doesn’t matter Ben,” Leia stands to lead him back upstairs. “You’ve got school tomorrow, come on.” Ben reluctantly starts to follow his mother, but they both halt when Luke speaks.

 

“No, wait. This is as good a time as any. Han’s right, Leia. We should tell him.” She turns and looks at her brother, biting her lip, but she doesn’t disagree with him. Something unsaid passes between them and in the end she acquiesces.

 

“Sit down, Ben.” Says Luke gently. “What we’re about to tell you is very important, and you can’t tell anyone else about it.”

 

Ben nods rapidly a few times, and his eyes are burning with… something. Han realises he’s holding his breath, and lets it out.

 

“You like Galactic History, don’t you Ben?” His mother asks.

 

“It’s my favourite class.”

 

“What do you know about the Empire?”

 

Ben looks around at them, apparently unsure where they’re going with this. “I know you all fought in the war against them. There was an Emperor – Palpatine – and he had taken down the Old Republic a long time ago, during the Clone Wars. They’re the ones who built the Death Stars, and destroyed planet Alderaan. And there was a Lord called Darth Vader, who was Supreme Commander of the army. He had a lightsaber like Uncle Luke, but he wasn’t a Jedi. He thought he killed all the Jedi, but Uncle Luke was still alive.” Ben recited all this carefully. At least he studied for history class, Han thought.

 

“They said in class that Uncle Luke defeated Darth Vader and the Emperor, and that’s why we now have peace in the galaxy.” Ben adds then, looking at his uncle thoughtfully.

 

“That’s good, Ben,” Luke finally says. “But what they teach you in class isn’t the whole truth. We were there when it happened. We know.”

 

Ben’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “But I asked you about it for my essay, and that’s what you said too. Did you lie?”

 

“No Ben, we haven’t been lying to you,” Leia says calmly.

 

“Remember how I told you your grandfather sacrificed his life to save me?” Luke waits for Ben to nod. “He was there that day. Ben, Darth Vader was your grandfather.”

 

At Luke’s words, Ben’s eyes light up with something akin to wonder.

 

Luke begins to explain. “Anakin Skywalker was his name as a Jedi, but when he joined the Empire he… changed. He became a Sith and he wasn’t the same person anymore, so he changed his name to Darth Vader.”

 

“So Darth Vader saved your life?”

 

“Not exactly… I know it’s not easy to understand, but he became Anakin Skywalker again in the end. Darth Vader was a bad person, Ben. He killed people. But there was still good in him. When the Emperor said he was going to kill me, Vader couldn’t take it, and he became my father again. He’s the one who killed the Emperor.”

 

Ben is quiet for a long minute. “Then what happened?” He asks.

 

“His fight with the Emperor wounded him. He died too, but not before I could say goodbye.”

 

“Oh… But my grandfather was a good person?”

 

“In the end, yes.” Luke says, sparing a glance at Leia. Han looks at her too. She looks a little tense, but otherwise all right. “But when he was Darth Vader he did terrible things to me, and your mother, and your father.”

 

Ben looks like he wants to ask about that, so Han juts in. “That’s why I said what I said about your grandfather, kid. I never knew him as Anakin, so I only know what Luke told me.”

 

“I understand.” Ben says, still quiet with awe.

 

“Good,” Luke smiles. “I hope you understand why we waited until you were older to tell you this. But we think you’re mature enough for it now. If you have any questions, you know you can always ask me or your mother about it.”

 

Ben nods, and this time follows Leia upstairs calmly.

 

Han hopes his son’s curiosity is sated now, and that hopefully his image of his grandfather has changed.

.

.

.

.


	4. Chapter 4

It eventually becomes clear that their discussion with Ben did nothing to tame his burning desire to know more about his grandfather, and that it only fanned the flames.

 

It starts slowly, with Ben acquiring an uncommon, actual leather-bound book, about the Empire, one that doesn’t necessarily take any sides while telling the story, and definitely doesn’t gloss over any morbid details.

 

Leia is the one who finds it, while cleaning Ben’s room. But he shrugs when confronted with it.

 

“I wasn’t _hiding_ it,” he reasons, and it’s true; the book was in plain sight, on his desk. “Aren’t I allowed to buy books?”

 

Though she isn’t pleased, Leia can’t argue with that. He did buy the book from a reputable store. He also got it for pretty cheap apparently, which is not surprising considering the amount of people who actually own books anymore, so she lets him keep it. Not before giving it a read herself, but she gives it back to him eventually. He’s already read it through anyway, and it’s not like she can erase it from his mind.

 

And if this is a healthier way for him to learn about the… _darker_ history of the galaxy, well. At least he’s not going behind their back.

 

Next he comes home with some old Imperial recruitment posters that look like they’ve spent most of their existence in a trash compactor. Nonetheless, Ben smooths out the crumpled flimsy, cleans them up as best he can, and displays them on his bedroom wall.

 

Leia might have considered making a fuss, but there are drawings of his grandfather on them. The posters read, ‘ _He can’t do it alone! Join the Imperial Navy today!’_ Darth Vader is depicted triumphant, leading a squad of stormtroopers on one poster, and clenching his fist over a red backdrop on the other. There exist no pictures or holos of Anakin Skywalker, to Leia’s knowledge, so this is the only way Ben can own images of his grandfather.

 

Again, she isn’t thrilled, but she understands.

 

But over time, more and more things seem to pile up, until Ben’s room looks more like a museum dedicated to Imperial history, rather than an eleven year-old’s bedroom. There’s models of TIE fighters and a Lambda-class T-4a shuttle on his chest of drawers, stormtrooper toy-soldiers on display, even comic books about Darth Vader (they’re collector’s edition), and schematics for E-11 blaster rifles hung above his desk…

 

She draws the line when he comes home from school one day wearing a faded t-shirt with the Imperial logo on it.

 

“Ben,” she stops him in the kitchen before he can run up to his room. “Why in all the stars are you wearing that?”

 

He sits at the table and starts making himself a snack, apparently completely unaware of how inappropriate his choice of clothing is.

 

“What?” He says, like she’s the one doing something wrong. “It’s _cool_.”

 

She purses her lips and tries to stay calm. “Please, Ben. I understand that you like history, and you’re interested in your grandfather, but _please_. The Empire destroyed my home planet. They _tortured_ me and your father.” She hadn’t meant to say it quite like that, but the damage is done.

 

Ben stares at her with his jaw slightly open.

 

“I know we talk about the Empire rather casually at times, and some history books ignore a lot of the bad stuff, but the Empire was Evil, Ben. Promise me you won’t wear that shirt again.”

 

After a moment, Ben’s features harden, and he looks perfectly calm again.

 

“My grandfather wasn’t evil.” He says in a soft voice. It almost sounds like a question.

 

Leia doesn’t know what to say, except… “Darth Vader was. I know it hurts. He was… he was my father, I understand. Now please, promise me, Ben.”

 

Ben doesn’t speak, but Leia hears _something_ , a deep rumbling sound, and suddenly the vase of flowers on the table next to them shatters, sending shards and water and petals everywhere.

 

She blinks, and even Ben looks shocked, looking down at the spot where the vase was.

 

Her son is transfixed by the destruction he just caused, and Leia doesn’t know what to make of the expression on his face, but she suddenly feels cold. This is… unexpected, but perhaps it shouldn’t be. Ben has been using the Force for a long time now, and Leia has always feared…

 

“Go to your room Ben.”

 

“…What?” He finally looks up at her, but his expression hasn’t changed.

 

“Go… do you homework or something, I…” She takes a shaky breath. “It’s alright Ben, it’s not your fault, I just… I need to…”

 

She walks off to her office, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest. She can only think of one thing to do.

 

She needs to call Luke.

.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Ben might have a problem, maybe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Ben's perspective. Finally.

“Han it’s time.”

 

“I’m not so sure about this…”

 

“We knew this was coming.”

 

“Speak for yourself, Leia, because _I_ sure didn’t!”

 

Ben is sitting at the top of the stairs as he listens, not for the first time, to his parents arguing. He vaguely remembers a time when he was so happy to see his father whenever he came back, so glad to see both his parents together.

 

Now it just brings shouting, and pain.

 

He’s not entirely sure what they’re talking about, but he knows it has something to do with Uncle Luke. His uncle’s been training him casually to use the Force for years, but now this sounds serious.

 

Ben can’t feel it anymore, but he remembers what it was like when he broke the vase. It was amazing. Like he was so angry, but since he didn’t know what to direct that anger at other than his mother, the Force found something else to destroy. He knew he wouldn’t have hurt his mother; he couldn’t. But the Force knew what to do. The Force guided him.

 

If he feels ashamed, it doesn’t last long. Now he just feels powerful.

 

“Luke can be here by tomorrow,” his mother is saying now.

 

“And you’re sure nothing happened? This is so sudden. I mean, I know the kid’s interested in becoming a Jedi but isn’t it a little too soon? What about school? What about his friends?” His father sounds scared, and Ben listens closer.

 

There’s a long silence.

 

“Leia what happened.”

 

His mother sighs and, when she speaks, she sounds almost like a different person. “Ben used the Force, Han. But… It was different this time. It was the Dark Side.”

 

Ben has to hold back a sound at that. That couldn’t be right, could it?

 

But…

 

He had been angry. And he had used the Force to destroy something, hadn’t he?

 

He tries to calm his beating heart, and strains to listen to his father’s voice.

 

“Leia…”

 

“He was angry at me, it was over something stupid, but he was mad, and he made a vase explode.”

 

“Well…” His father is hesitating. “I mean, it was one time, right? Hell, haven’t we all done stupid stuff when we’re angry? I’ve broken my fair share of objects too.”

 

“No, Han.” His mother says firmly. There’s something in her voice now that suggests she might cry. Ben has never seen his mother cry. “This is serious. Luke wouldn’t come get him if it wasn’t.”

 

“How long will he have to stay with Luke?”

 

Ben holds his breath.

 

“I don’t know, Han. As long as Luke needs. This is the first time in thirty years that there’s been a Jedi Order in the galaxy. Who knows how long it will take to train him.”

 

Ben can’t take any more after that, and he stands from the uppermost stair, walks to his room and slams the door as hard as he can, just so his parents know he’s been listening.

.

.

.

.

Ben pushes food around his bowl moodily and his parents watch him closely from the other side of the table.

 

He almost finds it funny, that they’re at last having breakfast together as a family for the first time in years, just when they’re about to send him away.

 

“We don’t want to send you to live with Luke against your will Ben.” His mother says then, as though reading his thoughts.

 

He thinks about this for a moment. What _does_ he want? If he stays, everything will remain the same. He’ll still have to go to school, dad’ll leave again anyway, and he’ll never get to learn more about the Force. Not really. And now he knows Uncle Luke is rebuilding the Jedi Order. As his nephew, Ben should be a part of it, shouldn’t he?

 

But there are so many unknowns. When will he get to see his parents again? What if he’s rubbish at being a Jedi anyway, and he disappoints Uncle Luke? So far all they’ve ever practised is lifting small objects off the ground, and using the Force to feel other people, share their feelings… And what if he misses his school, and his friends?

 

They've told him he can’t say goodbye to anyone, can’t tell them where he’s going. It would be too dangerous.

 

His decision has already been made, but he’s afraid.

 

“I don’t want to leave you,” he says, finally looking at his mother’s face. Her eyes are so similar to his own, and they are slightly wet at the moment as she reaches across the tabletop to hold his hand.

 

“I know, baby.”

 

He avoids his father’s eyes, uncomfortable with the display of affection. “But I want to be a Jedi.” He adds.

 

“No one can make that decision for you.” His mother is smiling softly.

 

Ben buys himself one more minute by eating a bit more breakfast.

 

“I think I want to. I want to go with Uncle Luke.”

 

And the day goes by so quickly after that. He packs only the essentials, though he is tempted to bring his favourite model ship with him – a TIE Interceptor. But he thinks about what Uncle Luke might say, and leaves it on his shelf to collect dust with the others.

 

Luke arrives mid-afternoon and waits patiently as Ben’s parents hold him. Ben stands between them stiffly, and closes his eyes.

 

He has now seen his mother cry.

.

.

.

.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben's problem may be worse than previously thought.

Life at Luke’s Jedi Temple isn’t so bad, and Ben finds he actually really likes it.

 

His fellow students are almost all roughly his own age, though there are a few teenagers and adults, too. People who have lived most of their life aware of their powers, but either too afraid or too ashamed to tell anyone about them. They are of all species too; only about half of the group is human.

 

But Luke found them all himself and brought them here, and they all have a purpose, as he is fond of saying.

 

“The Force brought me to each of you for a reason,” he says. “Now you can all decide what you want to make of your destiny.”

 

Uncle Luke speaks of destiny a lot. In his opinion, it is a flawed concept. _We all exist in this galaxy for a reason_ , he tells Ben one day when his curiosity gets the better of him, _But we all can choose what to do with our existence. We make our own destiny._

 

 _So, then, is it really destiny if we choose it?_ Ben wants to ask, but the thought makes his head hurt. Uncle Luke seems to understand so many things that Ben can only barely fathom.

 

But he’s ready to learn, and he does so fiercely. Ben has always been a good student, attentive and studious, and studying the Force is _fascinating_ , so he throws himself into it with all the ravenous appetite of a nexu.

.

.

.

.

One day when Luke is sitting in his favourite spot at the highest point in the temple, overlooking the desert, Ben comes to find him. He feels him rather than sees him, as his back is turned, and he drops out of his meditative state as his nephew sits down next to him.

 

“Master.” Ben acknowledges. He’s taken to calling him that sometimes instead of Uncle, like all the other students do. Luke’s noticed he only calls him this when he really wants something.

 

They sit and watch the sunset in the distance together for several minutes in peace.

 

“What troubles you, nephew?” Luke asks then, when he feels the turmoil in his student.

 

Ben wastes no time as usual. “Do you ever think about… Was it your father’s destiny to become Darth Vader?”

 

“Hmm…” Luke regards his nephew carefully. “An odd question. I think… Ben, do you know about the prophecy surrounding my father? About the Chosen One –”

 

“Who would bring balance to the Force.” Ben finishes for him. “Yes, but it was wrong wasn’t it?”

 

Luke smiles. “No, Ben. My father became a Jedi again before he died, and by killing the Emperor, and Darth Vader, he destroyed the Sith. That brought balance back.”

 

“But he and Darth Vader were the same person…”

 

“I know it’s not easy to understand,” Luke says. “There are times when I’m not sure what to believe either. But I do know that what my father did was right. He is the only being I know of who ever managed to come back into the Light. And he did it for us, Ben.”

 

Ben is silent for so long that the sun has almost disappeared behind the horizon when he speaks again.

 

“But, Master, wouldn’t _balance_ imply that both Sith and Jedi should exist?”

 

“That’s not quite it, Ben. Sith are embodiments of the Dark Side, yes, but it exists in all of us. All of us have the _choice_ to use the Force as we wish. I think that’s what true balance is.” Luke can’t quite see his nephew’s face now, it’s so dark. “Don’t you agree?”

 

“I’m not sure,” Ben says. “You talk about choice a lot. But do you know why grandfather became a Sith? Did he make a choice?”

 

“I truly don’t know, Ben. Perhaps we’ll never know why. But isn’t it enough that he did?”

 

They sit and watch the stars for a while once the sun is gone, and Luke remembers something he meant to ask Ben months ago.

 

“Do you miss your parents?”

 

He thinks for a minute that Ben is going to ignore him – he knows he disagrees with him about many things relating to Anakin Skywalker, and their arguing just now might have put him off – but eventually the boy sighs softly. “Sometimes.”

 

Later, much later, when the temple is silent and everyone else is asleep, Luke calls Leia. It’s much earlier on Hosnian, where she is, so he always has to do this in the dead of the night. The connection is also terrible, so they can't call each other often. It's better for him to visit her in person, on occasion, when he can.

 

She looks glad to see him as always.

 

“How is he?” She, much like her son, gets right to the point.

 

“Fine, Leia. He’s a great student.” It’s about the same thing he always tells her, but it’s the truth. Ben does very well in lessons, and gets along just fine with everyone.

 

But that’s just it. Everything’s _fine_ , not _good_. Ben is a little on the reclusive side, and at times Luke finds himself wondering if he actually knows his nephew as well as he thinks.

 

Like tonight.

 

“You’ve got something else to say.” Leia deduces from his silence. Luke smiles. He can’t keep anything from her. Well, almost.

 

But he tells her anyway. She has a right to know, and she sent Ben to him for a good reason.

 

“He worries me, Leia,” Luke admits. “He keeps to himself a lot, and he’s so good at shielding that I can’t often figure out his feelings.”

 

“He’s always been a solitary person,” Leia points out. “It’s not a bad thing in and of itself.”

 

“Right. Of course not. But I can’t tell if he’s happy. He does really well with his exercises, and he’s getting stronger every day so I know he’s been practising a lot. But I don’t know if this is what he wants.”

 

“He’d tell you if he wanted to come back, though? Have you asked him?”

 

“Yes.” Luke says, and he has. Ben is always firm; he wants to stay.

 

“Then…” Leia’s voice trails away, and suddenly Luke’s gaze is drawn to the large wooden box he keeps in the corner.

 

“He’s also obsessed with father.” Luke tells her, before taking the time to reconsider. He’s been meaning to discuss this with her, but it feels like all there is to say has been said already.

 

“He’s not _obsessed_ ,” Leia insists. “He’s just…”

 

“You’re the one who told me about all that Imperial junk he had in his room.”

 

“Yes, well…”

 

“And he talks about him near-constantly. Vader this, Vader that –”

 

“Luke come on, alright, I know he has an unhealthy amount of interest in his grandfather, but we’ve tried everything. I’ve tried answering his questions, and outright refusing to talk about it, I’ve tried to get him interested in something else, I know Han even told him a scary story about him, but… Nothing works. Maybe we should just let it be.”

 

Luke’s eyes are still fixed on the large wooden box.

 

“I think I might have an idea,” he says, and it amazes him that he never thought of it before. He looks at his sister and smiles. “I’ll call you again soon. Give my best to Han if you see him.”

 

He disconnects the call before she can say anything, and crosses the room. Luke has no idea if she’d approve of what he’s about to do, which is why he _has_ to do it. It might be the only thing that’ll work.

 

As he kneels down and unravels the many locks on the box, it dawns on him that he has not looked upon its contents in years. Dust rises from the lid once he lifts it open and is met with the hollow and burnt remains of Darth Vader’s mask.

.

.

.

.


	7. Chapter 7

He waits until after lunch the next day, when he usually gives his students an hour of rest. He sits with Ben as they eat and, once the boy is done, he leads him away from the others.

 

“I’ve got something to show you.” He tells him when he sees the curious look he is wearing, and Ben follows him all the way to his room.

 

Luke can tell Ben knows something exceptional is happening. Luke never lets anyone into his room.

 

The box is now in the centre of the room, the locks already undone. Luke closes the door and Ben looks at him with a question in his eyes.

 

“Open the box.” He tells his nephew, trying to keep a straight face.

 

He can feel Ben at the moment, clearer than usual, and he is curious, but also for some reason, apprehensive.

 

Ben sits in front of the box, opens it slowly, and at once Luke feels the boy’s mental shields go up. He now has no idea what he’s thinking. After a moment, Ben turns around and there is amazement on his face.

 

“Is it real?” He asks, though he knows the answer already.

 

Luke nods.

 

“Why does he look like that?” Ben has reached inside and is holding the helmet now, running his fingers along the edge.

 

“We gave him a Jedi funeral. Historically, Jedi would burn the bodies of their fallen comrades on great pyres. I didn’t know his suit would endure. I don’t know exactly the materials it’s made of, but it’s incredibly resistant.” Luke explains. He gets the feeling Ben is barely even listening to him, he’s so entranced by the sight of his grandfather’s famous mask.

 

Luke sits to join him, and Ben carefully hands him the mask so that he can get a better look at the other things the box contains. Among the other parts that survived the fire are the respirator’s console, and the boots. These are made of a fireproof material Luke has forgotten the name of. But he does know they are even resistant to magma.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you had these?” Ben asks, though he doesn’t sound reproachful. “Are there ashes, too?”

 

Luke reaches into the box for a small urn. There aren’t very many ashes inside, just what he could salvage from the wooden pyre, but it’s still something.

 

Leia has no idea that Luke has these things in his possession. No one does. He’s not sure why he kept it to himself all this time. Maybe partly because he knows how much everyone hated Vader, and he understands why the galaxy was so afraid of him – he himself was afraid of him, long ago. Owning an urn of Darth Vader’s remains could look bad, taken out of context. But he also felt closer to Vader than anyone else. He was the only one to ever acknowledge him as his father (for Leia, that took years), and he was also the only one who ever saw him come back to the Light.

 

He thinks it’s about time he shared this with someone else. And he thinks his nephew is the only who could understand.

 

“Thank you.” Ben whispers after several long minutes. He helps Luke put everything back in the box, and watches patiently as Luke puts the locks back in place.

 

Once they’ve left the room, Luke puts his hands on his nephew’s shoulders. “You’re welcome.” He smiles.

 

Ben doesn’t smile back, deep in thought.

.

.

.

.

Ben comes back, later.

 

He knows it’s wrong, that he’s trespassing on something almost sacred. Uncle Luke was Darth Vader’s son; he has a right to want to keep his father’s ashes to himself. It’s private. Luke showed him the box in good faith.

 

But Ben can’t help it. The mask calls to him, he can feel it, and he has to see him again.

 

So he waits until Luke is gone from the temple, as he happens to do sometimes. He always leaves the eldest student, a twi’lek, in charge, but she’s not allowed anywhere near Luke’s room either, so Ben doesn’t have to worry about her catching him. She’s weak anyway, and she can’t know he’s awake if he masks his presence from her.

 

Ben breaks into Luke’s room once he’s sure everyone else is deep asleep. It’s fairly easy, and he’s careful not to leave any trace of it. The lock resists against him for only a moment, but concentrates hard on its inner workings, finds the right spot, _pushes_ , and the lock falls open.

 

He does the same for the three locks on the box, his heart beating almost painfully in his chest. Ben looks around, almost – foolishly – expecting to see Luke standing there in the doorway with disappointment and betrayal on his face. But there’s only darkness.

 

The lid of the box opens for him and at last it is just him and his grandfather.

 

He cradles the mask in his arms for a long moment, wondering whether or not to speak. Wondering if there’s any point to it.

 

“Grandfather.” He hears his voice before realising he has spoken. It came out automatically.

 

Nothing happens.

 

“Grandfather.” He says once again, with more purpose this time.

 

Ben tries not to be disappointed. He’s not a child anymore, he knows the dead can’t speak, but still, something inside him almost expected…

 

Something happens.

 

It’s the same feeling as when he broke the vase, all those months ago. First, euphoria rushes to his head and he can feel the Force in each of his limbs; not weighing him down, but rather awakening every muscle, every bone, every ligament. His body feels as though it is on fire, the sensation is so intense, but he is also at the same time, cold.

 

Then, it’s like every single bad feeling he has ever had has been pushed into one, and it burns, _it hurts_. Suddenly he’s four years old again and he can hear his parents yelling at each other. He can’t understand what they’re saying, but he’s crying – and now he’s at school and other kids are laughing at him because he likes to be alone, and he's always reading – and it’s so _unfair_ , why won’t anyone tell him about his grandparents – and now his dad is leaving again and Ben knows this time, knows that he won’t be back for months – next he’s at the medic’s because he broke his leg climbing a tree, and he’s never been in this much pain before in his life – and now he’s sitting in his room, depressed, and maybe it would be better if he just died –

 

Ben lets out a deep breath, and realises he is panting. The memories have gone away now, but he can still feel the phantom pain of each one. The Force thrums with it, and he is empowered by all the sadness and rage and fear he has ever felt.

 

There are people calling to him, but not people he knows. The Force is showing him the past, he understands, and the future, too. He can’t concentrate on any of the images long enough to understand what they mean, but he can see fire, a lava planet, and there’s a man, he’s shouting at him to stop, but he’s weak and foolish, and Ben is going to kill him – Or, Anakin is. No. Not Anakin now, but Vader!

 

And now he’s in a forest, and it’s snowing. There’s blue and red lights swinging all around him, and the sound of lightsabers, and this time it’s him, it’s Ben – he’s the one in control, and he is going to defeat his enemies –

 

Ben knows what he’s feeling is the Force, but it's different now. He knows, this time, that it’s the Dark Side.

 

 _Come_ , the Darkness beckons to him. _Come to me._

 

Ben doesn’t recognise the voice, but he thinks, somehow, it’s grandfather.

 

That thought fills him with resolve.

.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no Luke what have you done.


	8. Chapter 8

It happens two months later.

 

Ben has been at the temple for over a year now, and Luke thinks he’s been making great progress. Since he showed him Vader’s mask, his nephew has been quieter on the subject, and when they do speak of the Sith Lord, Ben does so far less excitedly. He also seems happier.

 

He doesn’t visit Leia nearly often enough, but she is always happy to see him, and glad to know her son is doing better. Han is also there too, the last time Luke calls around. He only stays for the afternoon, so he doesn’t know how long the Corellian has been here for, but he hopes maybe they’re patching things up between them. It’d be about time.

 

As soon as Luke enters the atmosphere on his way back to the temple, he knows something is wrong. There’s a feeling in his gut he hasn’t felt in years, not since his father was alive.

 

The Dark Side of the Force.

 

His suspicions are proven right once he lands, and he can see there is a panic already. Everyone looks scared, and worse, he can see some of the students kneeling around… someone on the ground.

 

_Oh no._ Luke rushes forwards, forcing himself to stay calm.

 

“Tell me what happened.” He addressed his eldest, and she shakes her head at him.

 

“It was Solo…” She says and, with Luke’s worst fears confirmed, he walks over to the group of students assembled around the form of another one of his charges – one of the younglings, a human boy. To Luke’s great relief, he is not dead, just having trouble breathing. But he’ll be alright.

 

“What happened?” He repeats, his voice harder this time.

 

“Solo stole something from your room.” Another one of the younglings pipes up. “We tried to get him to stop! But he wasn’t listening.” She looks down at the unconscious boy. “When he tried to grab Solo, Solo strangled him… But it was strange. He used the Force. He did it from far away, Master.”

 

Luke tries not to let his anger take over as he stands up again. “Where is he now?”

 

His eldest shakes her head at him. “We don’t know. We were all too afraid to follow him. I’m sorry Master.” She looks about to cry, so Luke smiles weakly at her.

 

“You made the right decision. He’s dangerous at the moment. I have to find him before he hurts anyone else.” He takes a step back from his students, and concentrates on finding Ben’s Force signature.

 

He can’t. It’s gone.

 

He discovers later that one of his ships is missing, and by then it is much too late. Ben could be anywhere in the galaxy.

 

Luke goes to bed tired and defeated, his guilt preventing him from sleeping. He knows it’s entirely his fault. He failed to instruct Ben and even, he realises it now, tipped him over the edge further to the Dark Side by showing him that mask.

 

Thoughts of what Leia and Han will say when they find out plagues him all night as he sits awake, grieving for his lost student.

.

.

.

.

He moves them to a different temple, soon after the incident. He’s not sure why he thinks that will protect him or his students, or why he thinks Ben won’t be able to find him anywhere he goes, but he still does it.

 

Leia cries when he tells her. He doesn’t do it in person; he can’t leave the temple again. Ben’s probably just waiting for him to leave, so he can come back and –

 

_No_ , Luke thinks, firmly. _I have to believe in him. He is not yet lost._

 

He still feels terrible, though, when he thinks about Leia. He’s never seen anyone cry like that. And Han didn’t say a word, but he let her hold him as she sobbed, and he looked at Luke with worry in his eyes.

 

For months Luke tries to go back to normal. The incident fades away into memory and his students are happy again. None of them were close to Ben, and nobody died, thankfully, so for them it’s in the past.

 

Luke tries to leave it in the past too. Perhaps if this were any other student, but this is _Ben_. He feels like a terrible person for thinking it – of course he cares for all his students. But Ben is his nephew…

 

Luke has failed as a Jedi. He can practically hear Old Ben and Master Yoda reprimanding him on his sentimental tendencies. But he hasn’t seen them since Endor.

 

Same for his father. Luke tries, once, to ask him for guidance.

 

Nothing happens.

.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry  
> (Only one chapter left!)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you all ready for this?

Luke wakes with a start. He feels cold, but it’s the middle of summer, and unlike his previous temple in the desert, this one is located in a rainforest area, where it is humid and wet.

 

He almost wants to go back to sleep, but he’s too alert for that now.

 

Something’s wrong.

 

There’s the sound of voices outside, just barely perceptible through the patter of the rain. He rushes to the window and there he sees a group of people, all wearing black cloaks, and at the helm –

 

He throws on his own robes and calls his lightsaber to his hand before rushing down to the front of the building.

 

He shouts long before he reaches the people gathered in the courtyard. “Ben!”

 

The young man at the front of the group turns to him slowly, and he’s wearing a mask, but Luke knows it’s him. It’s been years, but he knows; he’ll never forget his presence.

 

“Luke Skywalker.” Ben Solo says in a voice that is not his. It’s slightly distorted by his mask, and grown up. Still, Luke knows him.

 

“Ben…” He comes to a halt a few metres away.

 

“It’s _Kylo Ren_ , now,” Ben growls. “Forgive my old Master, he hasn’t seen me in a long time.” He addresses the group behind him, and Luke can’t see any of their faces either, for they all have their hoods up.

 

“What are you doing here?” He says quietly, though he knows. He knew this day was coming, but now that it’s here, he can’t make himself react to it. Luke doesn’t want to kill Ben, but if he isn’t given a choice, he knows he’ll have to. He's just not sure he can.

 

Ben – or rather, Kylo Ren – straightens up, looks back at his comrades, and utters a single word. “Go.”

 

At once they all run forth, past Luke, and towards the temple.

 

“NO!” Luke shouts, and ignites his lightsaber without a second thought. He catches one of them unawares, and they fall under his blade, not dead, but too wounded now to stand.

 

He has no time to think before another lightsaber hisses to life and crosses his own blade. Kylo Ren’s weapon is ruby red, and peculiar. It has cross guards on either side of the hilt, and the light it gives is intermittent, chaotic… unstable.

 

“Eyes on me, Uncle,” the man that was once Ben Solo says, with laughter in his voice. “I am your opponent. Not them.”

 

All of the others have gone into the temple now, except for the one now writhing in pain at Luke’s feet. Luke can feel his students through the Force. The impression of their fear gives him the strength and focus to fight.

 

With a shout, he aims his first attack. Kylo Ren meets him easily, and pushes against him forcefully. Luke dodges the next attack, and then they are a flurry of colour, blades hissing against each other every time they clash.

 

"Why, Ben?!" Luke pleads between strikes. "You should... You of all people should know better."

 

Kylo Ren pushes him off, and all of a sudden he is on Luke's other side. "No, Uncle. You're the one who should know. The Darkness is _powerful_ , but you're too weak to see."

 

Luke dodges just in time, eyeing his fallen student with disdain.

 

His nephew’s attacks are less precise than his. He duels like he does everything else; with passion, but without finesse. He spins his blade in rough figure eights as he advances, and those are hard to block, especially with those cross guards, but Luke has experience on his side and he finally manages to knock his nephew’s weapon out of his hand.

 

Kylo Ren jumps out of the way of his blade at the very last moment, with a roar of anger, and calls his weapon back to him. This time he makes use of more stabbing motions, trying to get a hit in that Luke can’t possibly block.

 

He intends to kill him, Luke realises.

 

He can feel the death of every one of his students, and each time it’s like a needle into his heart.

 

Soon all the other people accompanying Kylo Ren come back outside to watch the duel. None of them have lightsabers, as far as Luke can see. His nephew is clearly their leader.

 

In a moment of inattentiveness, Kylo Ren manages to throw Luke to the ground. It knocks the wind out of him, but his lightsaber remains, thankfully, in his hand.

 

It’s hard to tell what he's thinking with that mask on, but Kylo Ren takes a step forward and looms over him.

 

“You’re weaker than I remember, Skywalker.” Kylo Ren says.

 

Luke grunts as he pushes himself up, tapping into the last of his strength as he jumps over Kylo Ren and lands a few steps away.

 

“I’ll never forgive you for this. You’ll have to kill me, _Kylo Ren_.”

 

The man turns, and Luke gets the feeling, he's unsure how, that he’s irritated.

 

“Gladly.” His tone of voice is poisonous.

 

They duel again, and this time they’re almost evenly matched. Kylo Ren is serious now, but it’s not enough.

 

The third time Luke knocks him back, Kylo Ren snarls. One of his acolytes rushes forwards, as though to help. “No,” he snaps at them. “He is _mine_.”

 

“You can’t win,” Luke huffs, trying to disguise how exhausted he is.

 

Kylo Ren slowly gets back on his feet again and Luke readies himself for more; he’ll fight him until daybreak if he must. But then his nephew takes several steps back. “Perhaps not today,” he acknowledges. “But one day. One day, when you least expect it, I will return for you and you will perish like the rest of your pathetic Order.”

 

He turns and gestures for the others to walk back to their shuttle, which is standing just visible in the distance.

 

One of them picks up the one who fell earlier. They’re lying still now, but Luke can sense they are still alive.

 

Before his nephew can get too far, Luke says one last thing.

 

“I failed you, Ben.”

 

Kylo Ren stops in his tracks for just a moment, but says nothing and continues to walk to his ship.

 

Luke briefly entertains the idea of attacking anyway, but then the other ones might try to stop him, and he’s not sure he can win either. Not against twenty-odd people.

 

He waits until the ship disappears into the rainy clouds before turning off his lightsaber.

 

He’s exhausted and soaked to the bone, but that’s nothing compared to the pain in his heart. He goes inside the temple anyway, even though he knows there’s no use, there are no survivors. He weeps.

 

He also weeps for Ben Solo.

 

But most of all he weeps for his sister, and Han. He wants to say he can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, but he just lost dozens, and even though they weren’t his flesh and blood, he still feels the pain deeply in the Force.

 

And the Force grieves, too.

.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Sorry to end on such a dreadful note, but you all knew from the start this was not going to have a happy ending, right?  
> I did choose to leave some things out you may notice, like Snoke, and Rey. It's my belief that nobody knew about Snoke until after Ben fell, so I didn't think it necessary to mention him explicitly. We did hear his voice though! And you all thought that was actually Vader... (Wink!)
> 
> I also didn't mention Rey, though by all accounts she was born before the end of this story. I do firmly believe she is Luke's daughter, but since we don't know for sure yet, and this story was already so long as it is, I decided to leave her out of it. She deserves a happier story. Maybe another time.
> 
> Cheers!


End file.
